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First of all, thanks to everyone who commented or e-mailed me from the last post. I am happy to connect with so many kindred souls and begin following your journeys (no matter where you are). I added each and every one of you to my reader.
I have to admit, I am still in a bit of a funk… but then it occurred to me that it’s not unusual for this time of year. As much as I love the impending holiday, it also means the end of 2010 is near. The thought of reflecting on another year of loss, sadness, and missed dreams sends me into a tailspin.
And why shouldn’t it? I can’t be the only person who watches the clock tick to midnight on New Year’s Eve and wish the year could have gone differently. While most of the population is toasting to 2011, I’ll be doing the math. This is year 6 without an addition to my family.
Mr. X and I haven’t been much for parties on New Year’s Eve in recent years, we end up staying home and watching THAT show on television, accompanied by copious amounts of food and drink. The ongoing joke between us… instead of toasting to opportunity, we toast good riddance to the year gone by and ask that the universe PLEASE be gentle to us in the coming year. Auld Lang Syne, blah, blah.
Yeah, I know.
Look we aren’t pessimists, just realists. I’ve done the hoping and wishing thing for far too long. I’m working on getting some of that mojo back, but in the meantime I am living the days with low expectations and a good sense of humor. That way, I won’t be disappointed, and if I am I can laugh away my sorrows.
My therapist would be rolling her eyes at that last statement.
How has your journey affected your view of the New Year?
Are you looking forward to it, or dreading it? And if you are an eternal optimist, tell me your secret.
For years we have avoided anything party like or even social like on New Year’s Eve – like you it’s always been a good riddance to the year! However, this year, I know that we will be looking forward. Although still not convinced that we’ll be out partying.
I hope that you find some joy somewhere in the coming season.
Oh I’ll be toasting a ‘good-bye’ to 2010 as well!!! What a horrible year it was with 2 more losses, countless useless Heparin shots, failed lab tests because morons can’t do their job, and a doctor that tells me to keep going. Oh I’m going alright…heading right onto 2011 with my cheque to the adoption agency. My joy will be saying ADIOS to that crap that keeps pulling us down.
Michelle- Aha! You reminded me of something I am happy about. I did not consume any drugs or shots in 2010 (we stopped treatment in Nov. of last year). I am so happy to not be paying medical bills anymore.
I never thought of it in the “good riddance” way before. All I know is that I don’t have to worry about what I eat or drink this year because I won’t be pregnant. Not just “a slight chance” but more like a “slim to none.” First time in 4 years I’ve been able to accept the latter.
I remember dreading the Christmas cards filled with gushing stories of new family additions and wallet sized pictures thrown in for good measure. You know, just incase the pain of IF escaped me for a moment I would have the instant ability to whip a reminder of our failures from my purse.
The last few years have left me silently thinking that time is running out to add to our family. This year, I think I finally know that we are complete and I am ok with it.
I guess for us, its another day, we’ve never done anything huge (and never did when I was younger at home either… maybe that’s why). We’ll watch that show too, and give a kiss at midnight. I too think of it as X year’s since we’ve been trying- (and even more so on our Anniversary and Mothers Day -he gave me a card saying he wanted to start ‘trying’). I’m hoping this year, we start the new year as a family of three though!
The pressure of New Year’s Eve has plagued me for a long time. As a teen and young adult, I HAD to be doing SOMETHING good. As an adult and married woman, I learned to enjoy quiet time, and then we began traveling to celebrate it with friends. Friends with small children hosted each year, and we watched the little ones grow. One couple did not want children, but have dogs they *loved*. We started trying in the fall of 2005. Three early losses and the 20-week loss of our twins since then. So, this is a long way of saying, yes, sometimes the new year is the holiday of dread.
Three years ago, my water broke on Christmas Day. One twin was gone already, and the chances for his brother were terribly slim. We decided on his fate on New Year’s Eve, delivered them a few days later.
Each year has been fraught, to say the least. Last year, C traveled to be with our friends, but I was not up to it. And, we were cycling. Fraught with hope. Dashed, though.
This year, we actually have plans, social, local. I don’t know how it’s going to be. I picture myself toasting the new year with the group gathered, but wonder how genuine my hope will be. I’m working on it.