Tags
I recently received an e-mail from my social worker at the agency summarizing the agency’s activities and placements for the last year. Birthmoms coming in to the program are on the increase, with a flood of matches occurring in just the last month.
As anyone invested in this journey will tell you, you just never can put a timeline on anything. There is the long wait, matches, disappointments, more matches, failed matches… basically more uncertainty than you can shake a stick at.
When I chose this agency, it had nothing to do with volume, but more about the ethics and the people. When I think back to the time Mr. X and I were in research mode for adoption, we attended a few meetings at some larger agencies and the net-net of those meetings had us feeling like we were just given the ultimate sales-pitch from hell. I almost felt a bit dirty walking out of one of them, like my emotions had been manipulated. The particular agency that irked me was run like a machine, and the social workers were glorified salespeople. Jeez, they even had the balls to give us a 6-page ”cost-breakdown” sheet with $$$ next to every item. And I mean EVERY ITEM. The item I laughed at (before I tossed their encyclopedia of bullcrap) was a notation that they charge HOURLY (like an attorney) for basic communication between them and the prospective adoptive parents. It’s a good thing we didn’t draw any general conclusions about adoption agencies based on that one dreadful visit. Otherwise we would not have found the little gem of an agency we did.
Our agency spends a lot of time giving total care to the birthparent(s). As I’ve gotten to know this agency, I have only heard good comments about how detailed and caring they are to birthmoms, providing anything and everything to ensure they are cared for and that they ultimately make the decision comfortable to them, even if the decision is to parent their own child.
The other thing that drew us in was the shared-risk method of payment. One domestic program flat fee- no extras except the homestudy. The fee is reduced if you fall into a lower-income category. It is a fair concept and allows them to not have to nickel and dime their pre-adoptive parents. I appreciate that from a budget perspective.
Meeting them was much like meeting my own family. They were open/honest and disclosed everything about how they work.
The downside? Well, they are smaller. The average wait is just a tad longer than the other, larger agencies. Ironically, since I am an expert at waiting, none of that bothers me much.
They have a smaller budget for advertising. There are no glossy full-color brochures (except our profiles). Just down-to-earth nice people who you would invite into your home without hesitation. The reality is our agency is a well-known name in my area for 30 years and you would be hard pressed to find a person who has not heard of it. They just don’t troll the entire universe for birthmoms. I’m okay with that too.
My social worker once asked me, “do you care to know what number you are?” as in, the “waiting list” in the order they draw profiles for viewing. “Do you want to know when you are being shown?”
And the answer, no and no. I’m not good at rejection, and the less stressing out the better. Truth be told, I have a general idea of how many waiting families there are, but no concept on how specific their profiles are. The art of pulling profiles at my agency is a bit complicated as with any agency and is based on waiting time and preferences. Of course, all bets are off if a birthmom walks in and asks to see ALL the profiles. If they do, the social workers oblige…. and well, your 18-month average wait can easily be dramatically less.
But whatever is happening, I don’t need to know. I’ve come to the conclusion that our baby will find us. Eventually.
This logic seems kind crazy, no? I mean, I went from a Type-A control freak during my infertility treatment to a low-key, call-me-when-you-have-news! kinda girl.
This process has some unexpected perks.
I love this post! I found a great agency too. It was all on first impression. Although we have much smaller adoption rates here, in Vancouver, they restrict the amount of waiting parents to match the ‘supply’. I like that.
I agree, not knowing is sometimes best. I’m about to attack my paperwork today. It is scary. What’s scary for me is that judgments are going to made about us. I just truly hope that we are able to present ourselves as we truly are…really good people who like to laugh a lot. Rejection is terrifying. After so many losses, I would hate to encounter a ‘failed match’ myself. But I’ve seen others persevere…and really…we need each other.
Keep writing. I love it.
We too are at a smaller local agency (55-65 placements per year). They have been around about 30 years and have great reputation for taking care of birth moms in an ethical way. Some of the larger national agencies scared me, their wait times were shorter (not much) but I felt the need to shower after dealing with them, just dirty. It’s hard enough to know that the happiest day of your life will be heartbreaking for someone else without wondering if they are being preyed upon by an unethical agency.
Our agency has all profiles posted online on their website in order of activation so I know exactly where I fall!(#33 out of 44) It’s hard because they select profiles to show based on all sorts of criteria and it’s likely we’ve been shown at least a few times already but maybe not… (we have an extremely open profile but also have a toddler, birth moms usually prefer childless couples)
I wish I had your patience, some days it’s okay and others I jump every time the phone rings. I just keep telling myself that my job isn’t to figure out the when or the how, but to be ready and have faith in the process.
So yesterday I bought a small pack of diapers…just in case.
Thanks for sharing. I am currently looking into different agencies in my area and it is hard to balance the seemingly objective numbers they give you (fees, average waiting time, number of placements), with the sense of how they fit with our values.
Makes sense to me, actually. After all the stress of IF treatments, at some point, it must help to let go a bit. That info is not going to change anything, so what good would it do you? It’s different from feeling like — oh, god, did I get that dosage right? tht timing right?
I’m glad you found a good agency. It gives me hope. For me and for you.
Here’s hoping, Remy.
Hi! Just chiming in to say that one of the reasons we chose our agency was because their policy is to not tell when you’re being shown or reveal your “rank” on the waiting list. I’m a Type-A in all other ways, but I had to draw a line in the sand for the sake of my sanity (and that of my friends, family, coworkers, cat… anyone in reach, really, LOL!).
I like what Stephanie said, “I just keep telling myself that my job isn’t to figure out the when or the how, but to be ready and have faith in the process.”
Here’s to faith!