Image by matley0 via Flickr
This summer has gone so fast, and it’s almost time to send my boy off to another new year of school. We did so much over the summer, and between the impromptu family getaways, work, and the seemingly never-ending list of to-do’s, I am exhausted.
I’m really in a very weird place which is hard to verbalize. I kept writing drafts to post here, never hitting the publish button. I guess because it’s almost too complicated to even start to explain. Then I remembered that THIS place is my place. I don’t have to worry who is reading. We are all comrades here, and my real life friends and family aren’t here to judge me.
I am having a bit of trouble adjusting to my new work life. I had thought that escaping the corporate realm would lighten my load, but working for family in a small business actually raises the bar.
Not only am I struggling with working outside the home (my former job I worked entirely at home in the IT industry) but I am also having a hard time managing my time and the expectations of my family in the business. We get along just fine, but my father has visions of his kids taking the company into the future, and considering the hellish ride I’ve had over the past few years, I am focused on today, and only today. I can’t see into next week, let alone 2, 5, 10 years from now. It’s pressure I don’t need. Combine that with the terrible state of the economy… Work has been slow. My dad (and mom… she is part owner of this business too) is fretting that the company may suffer big time. The industry is construction, and you can just imagine the fallout lately. They are paying me a salary they can not really afford. But they have been in business for 30 years… It will take a lot to knock them down.
To top it off, my husband is still languishing in his job in the automotive industry. He’s not happy, he commutes far away, and took a giant pay cut last year to keep his job. He considered also working for my family but I am discouraging him now.. It’s too risky for us both to be in the same boat so to speak.
I miss my old life. Not the workload, but the people and the industry. It was stimulating, and I’m not sure I will ever feel that here. I feel sort of like an idiot admitting that. I mean, how can I know that when I’ve only been in this new job for 4 months? I have days where I feel good, like I am contributing, and days where I regret ever leaving my old job.
Lastly, I am at sort of a brick wall with life in general. I am jealous at the moms that don’t have to work. I envy that life. I want a taste of it, even for a little while. This, all the while knowing that I am the type of person that must do something, yet feeling unfulfilled in anything right now.
I am in a rut, once again. I am not taking care of me either… Eating too much, exercising too little, and not really connecting with friends like I use to. I haven’t even been spending much time on my computer and catching up with my online friends. And I hate that. But I so dreadfully need that connection.
Sigh.
I don’t know. I will hit the publish button, and ask that you go easy on me.
So sorry to hear things aren’t better. No need for requests to “go easy”. Sometimes life is just hard and sucky. I’m with you in many ways. I haven’t changed jobs, but I am no happy with mine and I don’t really see any good alternatives (for too many reasons to go into). So, I feel really stuck and although I don’t think I would make the best stay-at-home mom, I sooooo wish I could quit and be at home. I’m so jealous of other moms that I could spit. Not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I hope things start looking up for you soon.
Sometimes the work/parent juggling act is tough. There are times when I feel guilty about neglecting work – like this week with getting MG off to kindergarten – and other times when I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my daughter – like this week with getting MG adjusted to kindergarten! There are days when it all falls into place and days when no matter what you try, it just doesn’t feel right.
I think the person who needs to “go easy” on you, is YOU. I hope things fall into place the way you had hoped soon.